We keep getting into power struggles with our teenager. Even when we win, it feels like we all lose. What can we do differently without backing down?

A. That's an excellent and often-asked question. You are right on target when you say that it feels like everyone loses, even when you "win."

Most power struggles between parents and teen-agers are a lose/lose proposition.

Remember the commercial a few years back that had the two rams repeatedly butting heads on top of a mountain? The slogan was "Dodge Trucks are ram tough!" Even though they have horns to butt heads with, it always looked quite painful to me.

I believe it's the same way when parents and teens butt heads.

When parents and teens butt heads

So where in the world did we get the idea that the parent-teen relationship is a struggle in which one side has to win and the other side lose?

One of the greatest sources of power struggles is the belief that not only does each side have to win each battle, they have to battle over each and every issue that arises.

The parents have bought into the mistaken belief that they always have to "win" in order to be good parents.

In the passion, exuberance and "wisdom" of youth, the teen believes that every battle is a fight for independence that must be won at all costs.

Jeff Herring

Jeff is a marriage and family therapist, singles and relationship coach, mentor coach, speaker, syndicated relationship columnist and author.

Jeff has a full time private practice in Tallahassee in which he specializes in couples, teen and parent counseling. He also is a relationship coach specializing in working with couples and singles. Some of his professional activities include:

==> Internationally syndicated relationship columnist through Knight-Ridder/Tribune Media Services, with a weekly readership of over 10 million worldwide

==> Sought after speaker for organizations, associations, churches, and corporations

==>Twice weekly appearances on The Steve and Sara Show on Magic 107.1

==> Author of "Keep the Changes: 52 Tools for Successful Living" a collection of his best columns, as well as several e-books including "How to Create a Passionate and Loving Relationship.........Forever," "How to Beat the BOZOs: Dealing with difficult people without becoming one," and "Tame Your Teen: THE survival guide for parenting your teenager.

==> Founder and CEO of TheArticleGuy.com

==> Founder and CEO of SecretsofGreatRelationships.com

==> Founder and CEO of ParentingYourTeeanger.com

==> Founder and CEO of ToolsforSuccessfulLiving.com

==> President of BuildingYourIdealPractice.com

==> President of ConsciousDatingTallahassee.com