Weve all heard it. Weve all marveled. Weve all shook our heads asking, what the hell is that. Im talking about that great Head On commercial that is currently flooding cable TV. Well, if you are inquisitive, search no more. Youve come to the right place for an answer.

As part of my community service sentence for pleading no contest to a fire truck tailgating incidentI admit I have a thing about fires, but for cryin out loud, I was only on a Segue at the timeI have to write one article of import that enlightens the public on a pressing social issue. So, I have chosen to inform the public on the proper use of Head On. Can there be any question more burning? I dont think so.

To get to the bottom of this, I thought Id go first to our favorite celebrities. They know everything, so it only follows that I should ask them first. Well, let me tell you, what I discovered is not only shocking, but also downright explosive.

Stars dont know crap! How about them apples? You wont read that in People Magazine. Yup, they are dumber than a goober in your hair, with one exception. More on that later.

I simply asked each of them, What do you use Head On for? Here are their revealing answers. You be the judge.

Billy Joel (through his rather testy publicist) Mr. Joel used it to protect against bodily injuries resulting from head on auto accidents. He was under the impression it rendered seat belts and air bags essentially obsolete. Unfortunately, I cannot offer anymore than that at this time as Mr. Joel is currently engaged in a nasty personal injury lawsuit against the manufacturer. Suffice it to say Mr. Joel no longer uses Head On.

Don Imus Um Diedre (inaudible) ... Imus Ranch eyebrows growing Wyatt (cough, wheeze) forehead hair removal (oxygen tank noise) greening and cleaning (flat line sound) (electric shock paddles) click

Mel Gibson It eliminates hangovers but unfortunately it has a few rather troubling side effects of which I am highly susceptible to one. In some people, it releases Jew hating, anti-Semitic thoughts into the conscious lobe of the brainhence, my untimely, little indiscretion. If I use it again, it will only be at Aryan Brotherhood sleep-over, barbeques.

Tom Cruise It actually is a very important part of the Scientology ritual known as the Hubbard Head Meld. Katie dabs a little Head On to my forehead. I dab a little on Katies. We close our eyes and touch dabs. It creates an opening through which our spirits mingle in joy and couch-jumping euphoria. I know. It sounds crazy doesnt it? Look, think of it as a Vulcan mind meld, but for real.

Paris Hilton Its like the best thing for can I say like oral sex? He applies it like to my forehead, and for sure I apply it to his (I like hung-up on her. I like had heard enough)

Donald Trump Well, its quite a fantastic story really. Of course, my gorgeous wife, Melania, who happens to be the most beautiful woman on the planet and who happened to produce the most important child on Earth, maybe since Jesus Christ, told me about Head On first. She said it helps to humble the ego and that I could use a little. To appease her, I applied a truckload. Didnt work. I wasnt surprised. She might be the prettiest but she also has the finest tiny-brain in the world. But heres the best part, it does wonders for my hair. One swipe from front to back and I get that fantastic look, that look that has the nation buzzing. They stop me in the street. Everyone wants it. Is that fantastic or what? Im pure gold.

Joan Rivers It prevents aging darling. A little on the forehead, a little on the cheeks, a swatch on the chin and neck, and you dont need surgery. Have you seen me lately? I look tighter than a clams ass. Thank you, Head On.

Russell Crowe Yeah. Finally, something I can f*@kin throw at f*@kin paparazzi that comes with f*@kin instructions. F*@k Off!

Oh, those wacky stars, they cant help but make us smile.

Anyway, expecting to find some thread of commonality in their answers (Paris, you big nut, that means like being the same; like different not), I was surprised to hear such conflicting results. It begged the question, one of them must be right, but who?

To uncover the truth, I went directly to the manufacturer. At first, they gave me quite the run-around. Apparently, it is a well-guarded secret. Well, they underestimated this brain. It just required a little, good old American ingenuity and perseverance. Posing as an out-of-work, undocumented worker from the country of New Jersey, I got the inside scoop from Senior Shipping Clerk, Robby Bob Roberts, during my job interview with him. But rather than tell you what Rob Bob said, Ill let the star, who got it right, tell you in her own words.

Anne Heche It blocks the gravitational pull of abduction rays emitted by alien space ships.

Of course it does! Anne, if anyone should have known that, it is you.

The next time the ad comes on, watch it closely. Youll slap your forehead in Anne-Heche-is-God disbelief. Thank you Anne, and thank you Rob Bob for setting us straight!

To the other stars: next time youre near a UFO, you crazy kids, please dont use the product.