The concept of forgiveness has been around since the beginning of human existence. Most, if not all spiritual teachers and coaches have included forgiveness in their teachings. Jesus is considered by many to have demonstrated the ultimate in forgiveness, when on the cross he said: "Father, Forgive them for they know not what they do." Therein, lays the false perception that we need to ultimately seek forgiveness from God. The all seeingall knowing God forgives without our needing to ask. Thus, it is oneself and others who needs forgiveness. To err is human: to forgiveis divine. Alexander Pope "If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive." Mother Theresa "The weak can never forgive, forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Mahatma Gandhi "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness." Josh Billings "Resentment hurts; forgiveness heals!" Larry James "You master your enemy not by force but by Forgiveness". Unknown writer "Carrying a grudge is like a run in a stocking, it can only get worse. Forgiveness is the answer." Unknown writer "Without forgiveness there is no future." Desmond Tutu "Ask not to be forgiven, ask rather to learn how to forgive". A Course in Miracles What do you think of when you think of the word forgiveness? Traditionally, forgiveness puts one in a dilemma. Forgiveness has long been believed to be a way to let bygones be bygones. In other, words we let the other person off the hookthus the forgiver carries the burden of making the rift in the relationship right. This perception of letting someone who has created angst or hurt off the hook is difficult to fathom, much less accomplish. On the one hand, someone did something egregious that upset us; on the other hand, we know we need to forgive in order to move past the anger, hurt, resentment or disappointment. There are some actions (such as genocide or slavery) and perpetrators (Hitler, rapist, serial killer, terrorist) which traditional consciousness encourages us to hold as being unforgivable. Traditional forgiveness can take years, it may involve extensive therapy and it tends to keep us in victim consciousness. However, there is an approach to forgiveness that allows one to free oneself of the dilemma and the double bind. Forgiveness is not letting the other person off the hook. Forgiveness is letting go of the emotional attachment to their behavior. Thus, when one forgives the other person one is letting go of any anger, sadness, resentment or angst toward the person whose behavior, triggered the feeling. Healthy forgiveness is virtually instantaneous, it is inexpensive and it gets one out of victim consciousness. It is a step-by-step process whose main tool is a worksheet that requires one to simply write and say aloud the egregious acts perpetrated by another. Once the egregious acts have been identified and acknowledged the next step is to identify your reactionsuch as: anger, sadness, hurt, resentment or disappointment. The third step is looking at how these reactions serve you. What is the payoff? You will discover holding these negative emotions does not serve you. The fourth and final step is letting go of these negative emotions, thus freeing oneself to accept the persons behavior for what it istheir issue, their problem. When one hangs onto the anger, hurt, resentment or disappointment, the issue becomes ones own issue and ones own problem. Forgiveness is the ultimate gift one can give oneself. |
