Sound familiar? If you want to manage anger, the only way of doing so is to listen to your self-talk. This doesnt mean listening to yourself talk. It means listening to your SELF-TALK. Its quite true that anger is created from within. No matter how much you sayShe made me mad! It makes me so mad whenthe anger comes from YOU, not it or she. Our thoughts about it or she is actually where the anger comes from. And by changing our thinking we can change the way we feel (for example, instead of angry or enraged, annoyed or irritated..) Doesnt it make sense, then, if anger is created from within that we have the power from within to keep from getting angry? The answer is a definitive YES. By adjusting how you think about a situation, to listen your self-talk, is how you keep yourself from getting madperiod. How? By listening for demands. What are demands? Theyre easy to spot. They tend to express themselves in words such as SHOULD, ought, must, have-to, need. Depending upon the context and situation, when these words or thoughts are used they will create anger. Whether you use them on someone or someone is using them on you, a sense of anger, rage or mad evolves from these words/thoughts of demand when things dont go your way. There are numerous examples of how this is true, but here is a simple one that most everyone can relate to: Youre driving in rush-hour traffic, late to get home. Another driver cuts you off, almost hitting you, so he can run a yellow light that actually is quite red by the time he runs itleaving you stopped at the light and cursing the driver as he speeds away. Your immediate thoughts are: What an idiot! People like that shouldnt be allowed to drive!! Hes an accident waiting to happen. They ought to lock him up!! The word should- creates anger because of its demanding nature. Simply stated, the situation is history. Yet, by saying it shouldnt happen youre demanding that reality not exist as it does, lousy as it may seem. Bottom line: it happened as it should based upon all the events that led up to it happening. Instead if you approach the situation without demands then your reaction will change appropriately. You may wish he didnt drive that way, you may prefer it, but hes driving that wayso dont deny the reality of it! It may be illegal, but its his choice to drive that way. Youd feel much better to accept it and not demand anything to the contrary. This works for anything in life. When you should on somebody youre creating anger for yourself (or them) when it is totally un-necessary. When you knock off the demands, shoulds and oughts, youll notice a difference. It would be nice if things always went the way you want them to go, but that isnt reality, so become more tolerant by listening to your own thoughts and youll start to see anger withering away. Dr. David L. Thomas, LMHC |
